Say I meet you for the first time and let’s just say you tell me you’re a “hacker”.

And so in JEST I snarkily (it’s a word! No? Ok.) reply

“Oh, so you uh, like, know how to hack Gibsons?”

And you say “Yes.”

And you’re actually serious.

It kinda tips me off that you’re NOT a “hacker”.

And it’s a pretty good bet the conversation is going to halt right there.

And I’m going to pee my pants from laughing so hard.
—
It boggles my mind that people still watch that damn movie and BELIEVE it.

Mr. Rabbi,
It’s a fucking airport. If you don’t own the airport then I don’t see where the hell you get off telling them what to put in it. It’s not like the airport erected the damn tree in your Temple or in your guest bathroom for pete sakes. Go build an 8 foot fucking menorah on your own god damn front lawn and light it up from there for everyone if it’s so bloody important.

Or better yet buy an airport, spend billions to keep it running daily and then you can deal with people — like yourself — who have way to god damn much time on their hands that just cause more work for everyone. Then you can have your super-duper menorah lighting extravaganza. Heck you could build the airport in the shape of a menorah, that’d be special now, wouldn’t it?

If you were willing to pay for the materials, labor for construction, and rent a spot at the airport to house your menorah during the holiday season then I could see why you’d be pissy about them nay-saying your idea. But you basically told them “Build me a fucking menorah, I want one.” Hate to break it to ya buddy, but if I asked them to construct an 8ft. statue of The Hotness (because I do worship that fine Jewish body) they’d tell me to fuck off in a heartbeat.

Way to spread the spirit of the fucking holiday season dude; “You’d better put up what I tell you to in your place business or I’ma sue your ass till it bleeds!” Your lawyer is all sorts of worried that the “Jewish community will be portrayed as the Grinch” because of this. Tell him not to worry, the Jewish community is a-ok by me, but I for one just find you sir, to be a little green and hairy. Hey after you’re done with the airport go on over to Wal-Mart and check out their menorah-less aisles…I’m sure you’ll have a hey-day with that place.

Merry Christmas,
Bug

Now people, I know the airport could have kept the trees up, they could have complied and pulled a giant menorah out of their asses to just keep the peace. But yaknow I can see why they just took the trees down and were done with it. If they would have given way on the menorah next thing you know they’ll have every religious nutcase and opportunist banging down the doors trying to make a quick buck via lawsuit.

So the result is hallways packed with gigantic fucking plastic religious symbols in the way of people who have a two and a half minute layover to get from one side of the building to the other with nineteen kids and three luggage carts so they can catch their flight to Bumfucknowheresville to see grandma and creepy Uncle Eddie. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt…the least amount of things in the way the better.

The bottom line is if you don’t celebrate Christmas just think about the tree not as a symbol but as a fucking dead tree with glass and plastic shit all over it, enjoy the nice shiny colors, and GET THE FUCK OVER IT kthxbye.

-Old Guy Grabs My Ass in Line at Schlotzsky’s : Ok, now I understand that Wranglers are jeans that make my butt look good. However, this doesn’t give the entire free world license to touch me or my pants…ever. I wear those jeans for work because they are cheap and I prefer not to destroy a $50 pair of pants while doing messy work so I wear $17 jeans. While hanging out in my happy little buggy world ordering my sandwich an old man (and I mean old…we’re talking 80’s+) come up behind me and proceeds to tell me I’m pretty and then grabs my ass as he walks away. Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head anyone?

Fucking. Ew.

-Random Homeless Guy Taking a Very Loud Crap in the Public Parking Lot in PLAIN VIEW: Things I NEVER want to be around again….DING DING fucking-DING! I get that you don’t own a toilet man but for fuck sakes go into a convince store and ask to use their can. Or! Or! Or! You could like go somewhere that no one can see or hear you! After I realized what was going on I had a newfound interest in the ground all the way across the lot (and oh what a long walk it was)…my eyes wouldn’t leave my feet.

Fucking. Gross.

-Handmade Soap Arrives: I had ordered a bar of Sweetgrass Cedarwood and Sage handmade soap from Serra last week and it arrived here at my lil’ casa while I was outta town. It was a nice little surprise to come home too, smells wicked awesome and is nice and big so it’ll last me a long ol’ time! If you’re interested in scoring some go watch her blog and she’ll post updates on what stock she has periodically

Fucking! Yum!

-Cleaning-Impaired Women (and men) : Apparently there’s a whole group of middle aged women who need to get schooled in fucking cleaning supplies and what actually works (I know it can be confusing but what the fuck?). Their grubby apartments attest to the fact that their idea of clean is wipe off the ashtrays with a napkin and call it a day. I spent one whole day teaching these ladies how to clean and what the best stuff is to do it with. I’m thinking of setting it all down into a post because I’m sure at least one person reading this doesn’t know the difference between anti-bacterial and the anti-Christ.

Fucking. Duh.

Ok that’ll have to do for now, I’ve got a fuckton of work to catch up on…TGIF dudes!

P.S. And thanks to everyone who wished ol’ pops well, he’s doing great!

Allow me to illustrate:

I went up to a casino in Payson this weekend, not to gamble but to take in their delicious $2.99 Sunday breakfast special. The ID Checker Lady saw those automatic sliding doors whoosh open and as I stepped through she knocked over old ladies and pushed aside pregnant mothers just to get to me.

“Miss I’ll need to see some ID” she says as condescendingly as possible in her breathless state. Meanwhile, folks try to help up a blue haired old lady whose bucket of tokens were knocked to the floor in the mayhem.

“Sure thing Ma’am.” I whip out my nifty shiny license knowing I was steps away from sizzling bacon and fluffy eggs of goodness.

ID Checker Lady inspects it in minute detail running her bony finger down each line making sure it’s the real deal.

Her finger stops at the Date of Birth line and her face contorts into a scowl. I can hear her subtracting years and months in her head. Much to her chagrin she finds she is unable to “bust me” and looks up.

Then it happens.

The line I’ve heard from gas station cashiers and cocktail waitresses the world over, always said in a hokey-jokey voice that’s meant to be funny.

“Ah, you just barrrrrely made it!”

Then she looks up at me with those expectant eyes, waiting for my reaction to her mind-blowing wit.

Some days I’ll humor the person and giggle while nodding my head like a ditzy moron as if their words were the funniest thing I’d ever had land in my ears. That particular day this pathetic attempt at humor I’ve heard a billion times before just made me realize the time between me and my eating of scrambled eggs has just been extended. And that makes me an unhappy camper.

I give ID Checker Lady a blank look, take my ID and walk away.

Sometimes people just aren’t worth the effort…

The other night I went with The Hotness’s daughter and her friend to play pool at a billiards room here in Tucson. While we were there a girl who was wearing an outfit I wouldn’t even let near my body (and that’s saying something) was playing pool with her boyfriend. At first I didn’t pay much mind to them but then something caught my eye. She had one of those Bluetooth things stuck in her head and wore it the whole 6 hours we were there. Lil’ Miss. Bluetooth would constantly futz with her hair on the side of her BT in a very showy way in what I thought was to make sure everyone around saw it.

And of course we all did. I’m sure she got a nice sense of self satisfaction when she busted me staring at her as her back got a little straighter and a weird smirk crossed her face. But if she would have known what I was thinking in my head I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have felt quite so high on the hog at that moment. Now I’m sorry folks but how fucking important are you to walk around a very loud and very smoky pool hall at 11 o’clock at night with a phone attached to your head flipping your hair away from it every two seconds? While playing pool? And of course making sure everyone notices.

Seriously, give me a break. And god forbid if whatever call you are so anxiously awaiting is so important then your ass should be back home where it’s quiet or in…hell…I dunno a coffee shop. The whole time we were there she didn’t get one call. My cell phone was ringing off the hook buried somewhere in my purse but after 8pm I don’t touch that sucker with a ten foot pole. And I’m also not taking it out and waving it in the faces of everyone in the room. But to each his own right?

We left the hall around midnight and stopped at a Circle K on the way home. I was the only one to go in and coming in directly behind me were two shady characters. I love saying “shady characters” it makes me feel all 50’s Detective and whatnot.

Anywhoot, one of these guys who was whiter than I (hard to believe I know) but dressed like he was straight out the ‘hood took a path directly behind me. And guess what? That’s right, he had a Bluetooth headset in his ear! At midnight. At Circle K. Again, is there some group of people who have magically become more important than the rest? Are we seriously so busy that we can be bothered to pull our phones out of our pockets in the MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING NIGHT?

Captin ‘Hood and his Headset then proceeded to hit on me. Real classy muthafucker, let’s just not only disgust Bug with your faux-importance a la Cyborg but then let’s open your big trap nice n’ wide and prove her right. That you really are a douchebag.

I’m not hatin’ the Bluetooth itself y’all, I’m sure it’s a nifty little gadget. All I’m saying is they seem to be gettin’ attached to some real dumbass folks around these parts lately.

I guess I’m pretty lucky, for as long as I’ve been online (going on 10 years now) I’ve never had a troll of my own. Here at AIS I can count the number of random anon-asshole comments left on one hand. The emails I get about my language and various other bullshit isn’t extremely large in volume but I’d have to say that it’s the closest thing to trolls I have ever had thus far in my time bloggin’. Usually a well worded reply concluded with a verbose “Go fuck yourself.” shuts the email senders right up and those have never escalated into huge public issues. Other times I just ignore them, everyone has a red X on their window…it’s amazing how many people still don’t know how to use it. *rolls eyes*

Many bloggers I know have trolls that literally plague their sites. Some bloggers just brush them off while others get so bogged down by the negative that is thrown at them they simply close up shop and leave the interwebs altogether. Personally I really don’t know how I’d respond if I was to acquire a real troll here. And I’m hoping I never have to find out. But it got me to wondering:

Have you ever had a troll on your blog?
If so, how did you react/respond to your troll?
What made your troll finally leave?

Pretty soon slower traffic appears in the right lane and you need to get back over but can’t because Hurry Pants McHoverDick is staying paced with your back door regardless of your turn signals and trying to speed up faster than them to get around ‘em.

So why is it that once you finally have to slow down to avoid hitting the cars in front of you and you’re side by side with whatever clown is driving they get all sorts of offended looking when you flip them off and mouth “learn how to drive asshat”? Fucktards.

It was a busy weekend for us all. The Granbaby turned three yesterday and we helped her celebrate with plenty of food, toys and a killer cake. She in turn picked her nose for us:

Later on that same day I decided since she looked so cute with her finger stuffed up her nose I’d give it a shot myself:

Obviously photographic evidence proves I’m not anywhere as cute as her during a good pick…feel free to send me the bill for your therapy session after seeing that.

So, I’m now totally convinced that good things come in threes. First I was dubbed feature blogger, then we had the great bday par-tay for the munchkin, finally today I came home to find out that I won the Best Non-Fiction Writing award for my posts during the Blogathon! *happy dance here* Thank you guys who nominated me and thank you to the panel for voting for me…y’all rock the cabbash! I was up against some really great blogs so it’s a total mind blow to actually win

I know there was supposed to be a Yandy post with the new goodies I got this weekend. But between the party and trying to wade through asstons of email it didn’t get done in time *shame on me*. Hopefully tomorrow I can get my act together and write it up.

Muh buddy Danger passed along this link and I’ve been wanting to share it with y’all. The Perception Laboratory’s Face Transformer- This groovy thing-a-ma-bobber uses a photo you upload of your face and transforms your face into all sorts of fun stuff. Check out my face done as a:

Magna Cartoon

Botticelli Painting

Guy

Fiiiiinallllly, let’s talk about Room #813. The Chad has left us *tear* He was a great renter, the toilet seat wasn’t left up once the whole time he was here! Thank you all for going over and visiting him, y’all sure do know how to give people a good run for their credits! Here are the stats from his seven day stay with us:

1544 Hits
506 Unique Hits
93 Clicks
55 Unique Clicks
—————–
Price: 15 Credits

And as they say out with the old and in with the new! The latest renter is the lovely Bianca Roland of Stir Fry Kitty! She also has a cooking blog and a WiFi review blog..quite the busy girl! I love the name, love the blog layout, love the writing…love it! Go on over and say howdy if you have a chance

Thank you to everyone else who bid, hopefully one of these days BE will allow me to pile you all into my sidebar *chuckle*

::Trouble Ain’t Over:: Wonderland or Not::I Am Jack’s Raging Mommy::The Vegan Diet::Grand- Pa::Recommended::Allrighty Then::This Place is Nuts::The Fifth Column::Maldita Bratinella::
::Evolution of Gina::Tense Teacher::Taking a Sanity Break::
::The Foo Logs::Baggage That Goes With Mine::

Isn’t that cute? Mexico is now going to make it OK for drug addicts to continue their abuse without any prevention or reprimand– just a hop skip and a jump away from our unsecured borders where *gasp* Americans (and American children) can freely come and go. I smell a time-bomb just waiting to explode here.

Guess what the White House has to say?

“The Bush administration had no immediate reaction.”

Instead we’ll get a delayed reaction that will only make matters worse as seems to be the m.o. for the folks up there in Warshintin’. They are all probably too busy sitting in the Oval Office reading “My Pet Goat” or figuring out new ways to invade more countries in the name of “fighting terror”. Never mind the inconsequential detail that now, not only will we have illegal aliens flooding into our country as before, but they are able to get blown, high, tweaked, stoned or tripped out of their minds before comin’ on over here and it’s A-OK with their gov’t. *sigh*

What country is left that doesn’t suck ass and isn’t a terrorist threat to Bush?
I’d like to go there now please.

Ahem.

IF YOU ARE DRIVING SLOW, KEEP YOUR FUCKING VEHICLE IN THE RIGHT LANE!!

THAT’S WHAT THIS FUCKING SIGN IS ALL ABOUT:

If you are speaking Spanish to me and I’m saying “NO COMPRENDO” raising your voice will not make me understand you!

ALL I HEAR IS REALLY LOUD SPANISH I STILL DON’T COMPRENDO.
LEARN FUCKING ENGLISH.

Ahem.

Do NOT try to impress or stump me with what you believe to be a witty blonde joke. I’ve heard them ALL. And here’s a little fact you stupid fat fucker….my IQ is higher than your body weight. I’m not amused.

Ahem.

Well I feel better now! Have a great weekend y’all!