Sadness

I miss you. It doesn’t seem like so long ago you were still here. I had to tell your story again today…every time I have to repeat the tragedy I feel like another knife is shoved into my chest. I feel like the universe becomes a little more empty.

I spend weeks and months and years now wondering what could have been. It takes my breath away and makes my mind freeze up. I went clear bobbin’ for the first time last week. Knee deep in the lake surrounded by beauty all I could think about was you. How I wish you could have been there, I’m sure you were but it would have been nice to look over and see you in waders too with that big happy grin you always got when you went fishing.

So much has happend in these last couple years. So many things have been spinning and twisting and I just wish I had you to talk to. Even if the only thing you had to say was “That sucks dude.” I would give my last breath to hear your voice once more. I need your advice, I need your perspective. I need you and you aren’t here.

In some strange way I’m not here anymore either. I look in the mirror and don’t recognize myself, I hear myself talk and it’s not me, I look on the inside and it’s no longer the girl we once knew. It’s like when you left all of me went with you and the only thing left was a shell of a woman. I’m a stranger to myself.

I used to have the answers, I used to be the strong one. Now I’m just weak, in mind, body and spirit. I’m lost and can’t find my way back to that happy medium you could count on for anything and everything. I hate it. I hate all of it. I wish I could find you and find myself too. I miss you every second of every minute of every day.

My life isn’t even close to what it once was. It’s like I went crazy and never came back. Most days I don’t know what I’m doing, I just know I have to keep doing it. I’ve been destructive, hateful, deciteful, proud and too stubborn for my own good. Some days I think I’m going to emerge but I never really do. Your sister has gone somewhere and I’m here in her place trying to hold down the fort. It’s not going as well as I thought it would.

I know I can’t fix this one, I know that nothing I can do in this world will ever bring you back. I hate that but have accepted it as much as humanly possible. Things will never be the same for me, I hope someday they will get close enough.

Know that I love you more than anyone loved anything every in the history of time. Know that you are in my heart and on my mind every single day. Know that as soon as it’s time I’ll be beside you once again. Know that you’ll always be my little brother. Nothing could change any of those things.

I love you Boo. I love you and I miss you.

Love Always and Forever,
Sarah

My new reality on this earth has begun. I can’t quite explain it but I just feel as though I’m missing an appendage and I can’t quite figure out where it has gone. The funeral was awe inspiring, almost 300 people came, it turned into standing room only. It’s amazing how many lives my brother touched in such a short time on this earth. I can only hope that I can be half the person he was and elict a quarter of that kind of love and support.

So many people went above and beyond with helping out during the week of the funeral. The response from everyone was overwhelming and I can’t even find the right words to thank everyone. My faith in humanity was really restored throughout this process. In spite of all the negative on this earth there are so many good people out there that really do care. It’s heartening.

Myself and my parents are slowly working our way through all the good deeds, kind words and support and thanking everyone individually. It’s the least we can do. The response to the post I made was incredible and I appreciate everyone who left a comment or prayer. I’ll be working on replying to everyone this coming week as I can.

The Hotness has returned to Kuwait, so I’m alone again. Not really alone, but you know what I mean. There’s less than 100 days until I see him again so that will help out a lot. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next couple months so that should help the time fly.

I still have a brother, he’s just not here right now. I’m glad that where he is now he was welcomed by the many friends and family we’ve lost in the past. It makes me feel better that he’s not up there alone.

To be honest with you all the pragmatic part of me doesn’t entirely believe in heaven or hell. I’m not a person of faith per say…I don’t know if I can explain this without sounding like an asshole or anything so please don’t take offense at any of this, I’m simply trying to work through my own head space. But the hopeful part of me continues to say that there is a heaven and he is there and I will see him again. I hope that the hopeful side is right. It’s the only thing helping me deal with this. If my pragmatic self is true it would kill me to know that the last time I ever saw my brothers face was as he was being taken to be cremated.

It’s all very conflicted in my head and I don’t think it’s going to ever be resolved until I actually leave this world and find out for myself. I hope that over time the ideal of being able to see him again will completely take over, I have to convince myself of that because no matter what anyone says my logic always has the theory shattering “Well that’s nice, but…” waiting in the wings to reason the idea away. I wish I was more emotional and less logical about things. But I guess I have to work with what I’ve got.

Anyway, I’m sitting in my dad’s office down in Sierra Vista waiting for The Hotness to get online so I can have my nightly chat with him. It’s raining which is nice, kind of settling the dust, I’ll sleep good tonight. I should really get onto something else though, so many tasks to attend to and so little time to do it all. Thank yo again to everyone for everything, I don’t even have the words to really express the gratitude so just thank you all.

On Wednesday June 11th 2008 I began living a nightmare. I received a call that my only, and younger brother had drowned in a lake while on vacation in Utah. I had just spoken to him two days before and he was so excited to be coming home on the 12th. He told me he loved me and would see me on Thursday, he never made it back.

I’ve spent 20 of my 22 years on this earth with that boy who has been a mix of brother and son to me. I’ve held him, protected him, and loved him more than any person on this earth will ever understand. I have lost half my soul and I can never get it back again. We were a set, a salt and pepper shaker and now all that’s left is me – I hope the world likes pepper because that’s all that they’ll be getting from now on.

I can’t explain the hurt and I don’t ever expect anyone to fully understand what’s in my heart and my mind. Man has not created a word in any language to express the sheer pain and emptiness that has taken permanent residence in my body. I’ve almost lost Sebastien many times over the years and have always managed to find a way to save him. This time I failed and I know it’s not my fault but I still failed him for the final time. I will never be the same and it’s a hell that I will live with every hour of every day of the rest of my life. No one can help me and no one can make it better.

I ask now for prayers for my family and for the girls that were with him when he died. For the people who are wanting to come to the funeral it will be held on Thursday June 19th in Sierra Vista, AZ. If you would like to have all the information, need an address, or need a phone number please email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com and I will provide what you need. Do not email me at any other address you may have for me as I’m not home right now and cannot access them to respond.

In lieu of flowers we ask that a donation be made to a memorial account that has been set up for Sebastien, the funds in that account will be donated to the amazing volunteer search and rescue team that recovered my brothers body from the lake. We hope to help them help others that are put in the situation that we have been so violently thrown into. Again, email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com to get the information on how to make a contribution.

My brother was a great fisherman and being on the water was his love. I ask from the bottom of my heart that every person that reads this takes a basic water safety class and make sure if you have kids they take one as well. I can only pray that you would equip yourself and the ones you love with the tools to avoid a situation such as this. I would not wish what has happened to my family on my worst enemy and so if you can do nothing else for me just make yourself safe.

I pray for his soul, I know he has found peace and is fishing in the best lake that heaven has to offer. I hope his line stays baited, the water stays calm and the fish are biting.

With my heart and soul,
His Pepper Shaker