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So many people went above and beyond with helping out during the week of the funeral. The response from everyone was overwhelming and I can’t even find the right words to thank everyone. My faith in humanity was really restored throughout this process. In spite of all the negative on this earth there are so many good people out there that really do care. It’s heartening.

Myself and my parents are slowly working our way through all the good deeds, kind words and support and thanking everyone individually. It’s the least we can do. The response to the post I made was incredible and I appreciate everyone who left a comment or prayer. I’ll be working on replying to everyone this coming week as I can.

The Hotness has returned to Kuwait, so I’m alone again. Not really alone, but you know what I mean. There’s less than 100 days until I see him again so that will help out a lot. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next couple months so that should help the time fly.

I still have a brother, he’s just not here right now. I’m glad that where he is now he was welcomed by the many friends and family we’ve lost in the past. It makes me feel better that he’s not up there alone.

To be honest with you all the pragmatic part of me doesn’t entirely believe in heaven or hell. I’m not a person of faith per say…I don’t know if I can explain this without sounding like an asshole or anything so please don’t take offense at any of this, I’m simply trying to work through my own head space. But the hopeful part of me continues to say that there is a heaven and he is there and I will see him again. I hope that the hopeful side is right. It’s the only thing helping me deal with this. If my pragmatic self is true it would kill me to know that the last time I ever saw my brothers face was as he was being taken to be cremated.

It’s all very conflicted in my head and I don’t think it’s going to ever be resolved until I actually leave this world and find out for myself. I hope that over time the ideal of being able to see him again will completely take over, I have to convince myself of that because no matter what anyone says my logic always has the theory shattering “Well that’s nice, but…” waiting in the wings to reason the idea away. I wish I was more emotional and less logical about things. But I guess I have to work with what I’ve got.

Anyway, I’m sitting in my dad’s office down in Sierra Vista waiting for The Hotness to get online so I can have my nightly chat with him. It’s raining which is nice, kind of settling the dust, I’ll sleep good tonight. I should really get onto something else though, so many tasks to attend to and so little time to do it all. Thank yo again to everyone for everything, I don’t even have the words to really express the gratitude so just thank you all.

I’ve spent 20 of my 22 years on this earth with that boy who has been a mix of brother and son to me. I’ve held him, protected him, and loved him more than any person on this earth will ever understand. I have lost half my soul and I can never get it back again. We were a set, a salt and pepper shaker and now all that’s left is me – I hope the world likes pepper because that’s all that they’ll be getting from now on.

I can’t explain the hurt and I don’t ever expect anyone to fully understand what’s in my heart and my mind. Man has not created a word in any language to express the sheer pain and emptiness that has taken permanent residence in my body. I’ve almost lost Sebastien many times over the years and have always managed to find a way to save him. This time I failed and I know it’s not my fault but I still failed him for the final time. I will never be the same and it’s a hell that I will live with every hour of every day of the rest of my life. No one can help me and no one can make it better.

I ask now for prayers for my family and for the girls that were with him when he died. For the people who are wanting to come to the funeral it will be held on Thursday June 19th in Sierra Vista, AZ. If you would like to have all the information, need an address, or need a phone number please email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com and I will provide what you need. Do not email me at any other address you may have for me as I’m not home right now and cannot access them to respond.

In lieu of flowers we ask that a donation be made to a memorial account that has been set up for Sebastien, the funds in that account will be donated to the amazing volunteer search and rescue team that recovered my brothers body from the lake. We hope to help them help others that are put in the situation that we have been so violently thrown into. Again, email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com to get the information on how to make a contribution.

My brother was a great fisherman and being on the water was his love. I ask from the bottom of my heart that every person that reads this takes a basic water safety class and make sure if you have kids they take one as well. I can only pray that you would equip yourself and the ones you love with the tools to avoid a situation such as this. I would not wish what has happened to my family on my worst enemy and so if you can do nothing else for me just make yourself safe.

I pray for his soul, I know he has found peace and is fishing in the best lake that heaven has to offer. I hope his line stays baited, the water stays calm and the fish are biting.

With my heart and soul,
His Pepper Shaker

The Hotness is here on leave, he goes away again this Saturday and I already feel the blackness creeping back into my chest.

Right now all I know is my heart just hurts for Kittyn, The Hotness, and myself.

Friday night he got official orders to go to Kuwait for a year.

365 days has passed since I last spoke your name here. Surprisingly, I’ve thought about you often during the last year. Today marks the 2,191st day since you left this world…I wonder how your family is doing. I wonder about your wife, I wish I could give her a hug and listen to her story.

I didn’t participate in the Project 2,996 this year…I hope you don’t mind. It’s almost as if I’ve gotten to know you and wouldn’t feel right simply moving on to the next person that was randomly assigned to me.

I hope things are going well for your family, that everyone is healthy and happy. This past year I’ve been contacted by a couple of folks that say they are related to you. I read their comments and couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness…your tragedy affected so many people. I never wrote them back, I couldn’t bring myself to invade into their lives any further than I already have in my own little way here.

Here’s to another trip around the sun…

Peace brother.

My grandparents have been moved into a seniors independent living apartment complex so since Saturday I’ve been over there every spare moment after work helping get them settled into their new life and running errands since neither one drives anymore. It’s pretty surreal and kind of depressing because it seems like just yesterday they were babysitting me. It’s funny how the tables turn like that. But it’s a nice place and it’s full of nice old folks so they should be alright.

The Hotness left for A.T. in California on Saturday as well — it’s some sort of training camp for the folks in the Army Reserve. You prolly know their phrase “two weeks a year one weekend a month”…well it’s actually three weeks a year. He’ll be gone for three whole weeks and as of today they are moving into an area where there will be no cell phone service for Sprint users. I now hate Sprint with a passion.

I’m trying pretty hard not to get depressed about all this. Luckily since it’s all started I haven’t really had time to take a breath and really think about any of it. On the flip side once everything settles down I’ll have unlimited time to get this place back into ship-shape.

In the meantime y’all are invited to my house to keep me company — just call before ya get here so I can sweep all the dust bunnies under the rugs