My new reality on this earth has begun. I can’t quite explain it but I just feel as though I’m missing an appendage and I can’t quite figure out where it has gone. The funeral was awe inspiring, almost 300 people came, it turned into standing room only. It’s amazing how many lives my brother touched in such a short time on this earth. I can only hope that I can be half the person he was and elict a quarter of that kind of love and support.

So many people went above and beyond with helping out during the week of the funeral. The response from everyone was overwhelming and I can’t even find the right words to thank everyone. My faith in humanity was really restored throughout this process. In spite of all the negative on this earth there are so many good people out there that really do care. It’s heartening.

Myself and my parents are slowly working our way through all the good deeds, kind words and support and thanking everyone individually. It’s the least we can do. The response to the post I made was incredible and I appreciate everyone who left a comment or prayer. I’ll be working on replying to everyone this coming week as I can.

The Hotness has returned to Kuwait, so I’m alone again. Not really alone, but you know what I mean. There’s less than 100 days until I see him again so that will help out a lot. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next couple months so that should help the time fly.

I still have a brother, he’s just not here right now. I’m glad that where he is now he was welcomed by the many friends and family we’ve lost in the past. It makes me feel better that he’s not up there alone.

To be honest with you all the pragmatic part of me doesn’t entirely believe in heaven or hell. I’m not a person of faith per say…I don’t know if I can explain this without sounding like an asshole or anything so please don’t take offense at any of this, I’m simply trying to work through my own head space. But the hopeful part of me continues to say that there is a heaven and he is there and I will see him again. I hope that the hopeful side is right. It’s the only thing helping me deal with this. If my pragmatic self is true it would kill me to know that the last time I ever saw my brothers face was as he was being taken to be cremated.

It’s all very conflicted in my head and I don’t think it’s going to ever be resolved until I actually leave this world and find out for myself. I hope that over time the ideal of being able to see him again will completely take over, I have to convince myself of that because no matter what anyone says my logic always has the theory shattering “Well that’s nice, but…” waiting in the wings to reason the idea away. I wish I was more emotional and less logical about things. But I guess I have to work with what I’ve got.

Anyway, I’m sitting in my dad’s office down in Sierra Vista waiting for The Hotness to get online so I can have my nightly chat with him. It’s raining which is nice, kind of settling the dust, I’ll sleep good tonight. I should really get onto something else though, so many tasks to attend to and so little time to do it all. Thank yo again to everyone for everything, I don’t even have the words to really express the gratitude so just thank you all.

On Wednesday June 11th 2008 I began living a nightmare. I received a call that my only, and younger brother had drowned in a lake while on vacation in Utah. I had just spoken to him two days before and he was so excited to be coming home on the 12th. He told me he loved me and would see me on Thursday, he never made it back.

I’ve spent 20 of my 22 years on this earth with that boy who has been a mix of brother and son to me. I’ve held him, protected him, and loved him more than any person on this earth will ever understand. I have lost half my soul and I can never get it back again. We were a set, a salt and pepper shaker and now all that’s left is me - I hope the world likes pepper because that’s all that they’ll be getting from now on.

I can’t explain the hurt and I don’t ever expect anyone to fully understand what’s in my heart and my mind. Man has not created a word in any language to express the sheer pain and emptiness that has taken permanent residence in my body. I’ve almost lost Sebastien many times over the years and have always managed to find a way to save him. This time I failed and I know it’s not my fault but I still failed him for the final time. I will never be the same and it’s a hell that I will live with every hour of every day of the rest of my life. No one can help me and no one can make it better.

I ask now for prayers for my family and for the girls that were with him when he died. For the people who are wanting to come to the funeral it will be held on Thursday June 19th in Sierra Vista, AZ. If you would like to have all the information, need an address, or need a phone number please email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com and I will provide what you need. Do not email me at any other address you may have for me as I’m not home right now and cannot access them to respond.

In lieu of flowers we ask that a donation be made to a memorial account that has been set up for Sebastien, the funds in that account will be donated to the amazing volunteer search and rescue team that recovered my brothers body from the lake. We hope to help them help others that are put in the situation that we have been so violently thrown into. Again, email me at sarah.chasse@hotmail.com to get the information on how to make a contribution.

My brother was a great fisherman and being on the water was his love. I ask from the bottom of my heart that every person that reads this takes a basic water safety class and make sure if you have kids they take one as well. I can only pray that you would equip yourself and the ones you love with the tools to avoid a situation such as this. I would not wish what has happened to my family on my worst enemy and so if you can do nothing else for me just make yourself safe.

I pray for his soul, I know he has found peace and is fishing in the best lake that heaven has to offer. I hope his line stays baited, the water stays calm and the fish are biting.

With my heart and soul,
His Pepper Shaker

You know what really makes me upset is when everyone says to me “Call me anytime you ever need anything and I”ll be there for you.” But when you do finally need something there’s no one to help. I’ve never felt more alone than I do today.

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the night saying, “I will try again tomorrow “.”

I’m here almost non-stop everyday now…which has left this place in a pretty sorry state of affairs. But one of my dearest online friends is in critical condition right now and I don’t know what else to do for her other than ensure that while she’s away things will continue to run smoothly at her beloved station and when she returns to us she won’t be overloaded with catchup work.

The Hotness is here on leave, he goes away again this Saturday and I already feel the blackness creeping back into my chest.

Right now all I know is my heart just hurts for Kittyn, The Hotness, and myself.