But I digress.

I need an insight into the moment that I’m repeating that is causing the wheels of fate to turn in the direction they inevitably do. Just a peek at the course of events or action that is causing the repeat so I can prevent it in the future. The continual reboot mode that I’ve been trapped in is starting to get a little old, I’m starting to get pretty damn jaded. Not much is left except for my own weak theories these days and even those have slowly begun to fade out into the background…

The short answer to that is – I don’t know.

There’s been an insane amount of stuff going on in my life that is hilarious and absolute blog fodder. Take for instance yesterday I found myself inflating a blow-up goat for someone as a welcome home present. Yeah…let that sink in.

It’s been interesting to say the least. Every once in awhile I feel the old me peeking out of the haze with a snarky observation but as quickly as it surfaces it disappears. My heart hurts, my head hurts, and it’s taking a toll on this place something fierce.

I’m beginning to wonder if it wouldn’t be better to just pull the plug on this place instead of letting it limp to it’s eventual death. Start over somewhere new, open a shiny new site that I can moan and bitch and complain about how bad things are for me and how pathetic everything has gotten.

But honestly I don’t know if that would be any better. Hell I don’t think I could ever get rid of this damn thing…it’s actually been the only constant in my life since the end of 2004. I find that kind of strange…but hey that’s just how it goes I suppose.

Thankfully I haven’t found myself in that situation.

My response to change really bothers me. My response to the unplanned or uncontrolled makes me worry about myself. I’m not OCD a la Jack Nicholas in As Good As It Gets, but I am strongly defined by my routines either real or projected. Things I don’t know about make me nervous, major changes in plans I’ve set make me annoyed or angry. This condition has been part of me my whole life in various forms but in the last year or so it’s become so pronounced that I’ve actually felt worried about it.

I don’t want to go through life bored, with no adventure. I find that when I do get a thrilled feeling about an experience in spite of what it took out of me to get there I’m happy. This rut that I’m parked in is destroying me. I think it’s time to kick this bitch into to four wheel drive and move on. I need to capture that ability to let things flow…just go with stuff. Stop trying to plan, re-plan and then check that plan for errors while over analyzing every last detail. If you were to step inside my head it’s like a giant flow chart/risk management system and three ring circus all crammed inside running 24/7.

This trait makes me super valuable at work, my bosses love that I can crank out production, create working systems from scratch, see the big picture and predict pitfalls and failures in order to avoid them completely. I’m golden with this personality in the corporate world. I can get them there on time every time. But in my personal life it’s taking me on a long walk off a short pier.

I used to be a lot more creative in my personal life, that has even taken a nose dive. If it doesn’t fit into what should be going on in my head I axe it. I’ve posted about my issues with unfinished projects and I honestly have to say that I think I’ve actually created a self-inflicted pattern of not getting things finished. It’s become comfortable for me to not finish something I’ve started. And that is no good at all.

It’s time to bring the balance back. It’s time to start living again. It’s time to get out of my head and into reality. I don’t know where this is going to go, how it’s going to turn out or what it’s going to entail. The cliché is that a journey starts with the first step – so today I’m tying my shoes and getting ready to start walking.

Now there’s only one problem…
Writers block! DUN DUN DUN!
So, bear with me as I pull out a MeMe that’s been sitting in my drafts for god knows how long. kthx.

Twenty-10 Recap1. (somehow the first question went missing…move along…nothing to see here folks…)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn’t go there in 2010….life was pretty fucked up…main goal was wake up breathing mostly.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

No, and no one far from me gave birth either. That I’m aware of anyway…there may have been secret births happening without my awareness of them…ok moving on.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Negative.

5. What countries did you visit? 

Um America and it was lovely.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? 

Sanity, peace, money, love, sobriety….this little list could go on for a looong time.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

It was mostly a blur of insanity. So none.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Making it to 2011 in one piece!

9. What was your biggest failure? 

Oh. My. Gawd. There’s too many all tied for first place on that one – let’s move on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Yeah. None of which was pretty.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

Mmmm….I’d have to go with the gifts I gave for Christmas…really put a lot of thought into them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

What the hell does that even mean?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

That list goes on and on. Let’s just skip-a-roo this bastard eh?

14. Where did most of your money go? 

Debt…lots and lots of debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

Being able to finally get some kind of sensible plan going – being with someone stable.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? 

“Stuck in the Middle With You” -Stealers Wheel

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

a) happier or sadder? Happier! God so much happier!
b) thinner or fatter? 
 Thinner and thank the good lord for that because I did not look good after packing on extra pounds.
c) richer or poorer?
 No change there, still clawing out an existence and paying debt off.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Made more money, had more quiet peaceful moments that heal the mind.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Fighting, yelling, drinking, and being scared.

20. How did you spend Christmas? 

Family circuit.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? 

Yeah I think I really did.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 

The Office!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

A little…not as much as I used to – still working on that.

24. What was the best book you read? 

Lots of Joyce Meyer…good stuff.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

Heart.

26. What did you want and get? 

Food and shelter.

27. What did you want and not get? 

Emotional stability.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? 

Was It’s Complicated during 2010? If so then that would be it! Oh wait…The Hangover! Damn.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

Had a Quarter of a Century Party…it was fun.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Emotional stability.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? 

Same as all previous years, Wranglers, boots and tanks.

32. What kept you sane? 

The thought that maybe just maybe someday I could be happy.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

Uh….none.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Oy vey.

35. Who did you miss? 

My brother, always and forever.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 

Uh…to many to count.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

To hang tough, and progress is never quick or easy.

38. Quote or song lyric that sums up your year:
“What a long strange trip it’s been.”

I can’t get comfortable in my own skin these days, I can’t be comfortable in my heart. The edgy feel of things put into a constant sharp perspective leaves me feeling tight and confused on a regular basis. Just when I think I can breath again the rug is yanked a little and I find myself back in my head wondering where things went wrong and how do I fix them.

Anymore it seems no matter what I do it’s not the right thing. I used to be good at doing the right thing. Funny how that changed. I look back at my accomplishments in years past and find that I haven’t been able to hold a candle to myself this year. Things that are truly important are no longer so. I don’t find enough time in the days to get all that I need to done.

My self reflections are depressing and so I avoid them like the plague. I’ve woken up in another world that I know nothing about and am being tried by fire on a daily basis. Some days I feel like I’ve made leaps and bounds of progress, but then find out that I’ve only moved centimeters and not miles like I had thought. It’s disheartning.

I’m a lucky person all things considered, I have many good things in my life that others lack. If the flux could just even to a flow I may just be able to get comfortable in my own skin again.

I’ve recently come to the realization that this has caused me to drag old baggage into my current relationship. I can’t communicate normally, I blow things way out of proportion and I have a very unstable sense of trust. Not on a trust issue of monogomy per say but more of an issue of I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop – the negative to arise. I’m waiting for the part where I get royally screwed…the status quo historically speaking.

I wish that I could be more trusting – Lord knows how that will happen – but I do hold on to the idea that someday I’ll be able to breathe easy in this relationship and not keep expecting disaster to be lurking just around the corner. It’s unfair to him that he has to deal with my instabilities and past issues. There has to be a way to come to terms with all that has gone on in my life and repair the damage that has been done.

Universe, bring on the healing….

Lately I feel like my life is in summer break mode and soon the lights will come back on and the halls will fill up with life and laughter. I’m frozen in time but the clock never stops running and seems to be ticking by faster everyday.

And I’m happy with it, I’ve lost count the number of times that guys have told me that the reason they find me attractive is because I don’t wear makeup. I always end up pointing out the mascara but the response is always the same – “Yeah, but you can’t even tell.” while they gesture to the lady across the bar who is made up with the same amount of makeup as Mimi was in Drew Carrey.

But I know that a lot of women both young and old spend countless dollars and tons of time applying makeup and creams and all manner of “gunk” to themselves in the name of looking ‘hot’ or even by their definition ‘normal’. I’ve recently become aquainted with a group of young ladies who fall into this category. They are all beautiful, have great skin and have the benefit of youthful vigor on their side, yet they wear so much makeup and hair stuff that even when I see them on a Tuesday afternoon they appear to be heading to a night club!

I had the chance to observe the bathrooms of one such of these ladies and all I gotta say is holy hell! There were more bottles and potions and just stuff around on the sinks and shelves than I’d ever seen. God knows what most of it was for but I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed at the site of it all. It made me grateful that I had managed to simplify my routine, still look great and could fit all of my “girl junk” into a small basket on my sink.

“Beauty” like that is expensive and I always marvel at the cost that ladies go to for them to get the latest and greatest. In hard economic times such as these I can only hope that if women are looking for extra ways to save cash that they take a look at all the money they have on their face and realize that underneath all that money is a beautiful face that most likely doesn’t need to be covered up as much as they think. A clean bright face and a smile goes a very long way, and I have the phone numbers from guys to prove it. It’s nice to not stress about putting all that on and then carrying around all the touchup junk necessary to take a madeup face out into public.

I challenge you ladies, take a hard look at your vanity, learn to love your face without all the “extra” and you’ll be suprised at how much better you’ll begin to feel, how much money you save and how many more compliments you’ll get on the natural look you have because that natural look is hard to find these days and is greatly appreciated no matter what your age

It’s been a good time though – raised some money for charity, gave some cool stuff away and ranted and raved about all sorts of stupid crap. Here’s to another four years of filling the internet with my useless ramblings