Random

I’m a patterns girl. I like the expected. I like math because 1+1 will always equal 2. Routines are my friend. The process from A to B is always the same. I’ve often said that if I managed to get involved in some sort of crazy assassination plot it would take my assassin precisely one day to figure out my routine because it. never. changes. My weekdays are predictable right down to what parking spot I’ll be in at my usual gas station every morning. I’d be such an easy target.

Thankfully I haven’t found myself in that situation.

My response to change really bothers me. My response to the unplanned or uncontrolled makes me worry about myself. I’m not OCD a la Jack Nicholas in As Good As It Gets, but I am strongly defined by my routines either real or projected. Things I don’t know about make me nervous, major changes in plans I’ve set make me annoyed or angry. This condition has been part of me my whole life in various forms but in the last year or so it’s become so pronounced that I’ve actually felt worried about it.

I don’t want to go through life bored, with no adventure. I find that when I do get a thrilled feeling about an experience in spite of what it took out of me to get there I’m happy. This rut that I’m parked in is destroying me. I think it’s time to kick this bitch into to four wheel drive and move on. I need to capture that ability to let things flow…just go with stuff. Stop trying to plan, re-plan and then check that plan for errors while over analyzing every last detail. If you were to step inside my head it’s like a giant flow chart/risk management system and three ring circus all crammed inside running 24/7.

This trait makes me super valuable at work, my bosses love that I can crank out production, create working systems from scratch, see the big picture and predict pitfalls and failures in order to avoid them completely. I’m golden with this personality in the corporate world. I can get them there on time every time. But in my personal life it’s taking me on a long walk off a short pier.

I used to be a lot more creative in my personal life, that has even taken a nose dive. If it doesn’t fit into what should be going on in my head I axe it. I’ve posted about my issues with unfinished projects and I honestly have to say that I think I’ve actually created a self-inflicted pattern of not getting things finished. It’s become comfortable for me to not finish something I’ve started. And that is no good at all.

It’s time to bring the balance back. It’s time to start living again. It’s time to get out of my head and into reality. I don’t know where this is going to go, how it’s going to turn out or what it’s going to entail. The cliché is that a journey starts with the first step – so today I’m tying my shoes and getting ready to start walking.

I’m surprised my key still works in the locks around here! If I could get things to slow down for five seconds I might be able to get in here and actually write for the love of petermaryandjoseph! Life has been one helluva rollercoaster ride these last couple months, uncertainties abounded and I wasn’t sure where all the chips would fall. But after jumping in with both feet I’ve made a somewhat clean landing, smoothed out my ruffled feathers and am ready to carry on with business as usual.

Now there’s only one problem…
Writers block! DUN DUN DUN!
So, bear with me as I pull out a MeMe that’s been sitting in my drafts for god knows how long. kthx.

Twenty-10 Recap1. (somehow the first question went missing…move along…nothing to see here folks…)

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Didn’t go there in 2010….life was pretty fucked up…main goal was wake up breathing mostly.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

No, and no one far from me gave birth either. That I’m aware of anyway…there may have been secret births happening without my awareness of them…ok moving on.

4. Did anyone close to you die? 

Negative.

5. What countries did you visit? 

Um America and it was lovely.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? 

Sanity, peace, money, love, sobriety….this little list could go on for a looong time.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

It was mostly a blur of insanity. So none.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

Making it to 2011 in one piece!

9. What was your biggest failure? 

Oh. My. Gawd. There’s too many all tied for first place on that one – let’s move on.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? 

Yeah. None of which was pretty.

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

Mmmm….I’d have to go with the gifts I gave for Christmas…really put a lot of thought into them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? 

What the hell does that even mean?

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

That list goes on and on. Let’s just skip-a-roo this bastard eh?

14. Where did most of your money go? 

Debt…lots and lots of debt.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

Being able to finally get some kind of sensible plan going – being with someone stable.

16. What song will always remind you of 2010? 

“Stuck in the Middle With You” -Stealers Wheel

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: 

a) happier or sadder? Happier! God so much happier!
b) thinner or fatter? 
 Thinner and thank the good lord for that because I did not look good after packing on extra pounds.
c) richer or poorer?
 No change there, still clawing out an existence and paying debt off.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

Made more money, had more quiet peaceful moments that heal the mind.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

Fighting, yelling, drinking, and being scared.

20. How did you spend Christmas? 

Family circuit.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010? 

Yeah I think I really did.

22. What was your favorite TV program? 

The Office!

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

A little…not as much as I used to – still working on that.

24. What was the best book you read? 

Lots of Joyce Meyer…good stuff.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

Heart.

26. What did you want and get? 

Food and shelter.

27. What did you want and not get? 

Emotional stability.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? 

Was It’s Complicated during 2010? If so then that would be it! Oh wait…The Hangover! Damn.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

Had a Quarter of a Century Party…it was fun.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 

Emotional stability.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010? 

Same as all previous years, Wranglers, boots and tanks.

32. What kept you sane? 

The thought that maybe just maybe someday I could be happy.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

Uh….none.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? 

Oy vey.

35. Who did you miss? 

My brother, always and forever.

36. Who was the best new person you met? 

Uh…to many to count.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

To hang tough, and progress is never quick or easy.

38. Quote or song lyric that sums up your year:
“What a long strange trip it’s been.”