At one time or another in your life most of you have probably heard that little rhyme “Step on a crack and you’ll break your mothers back.” When I was younger, maybe kindergarten age, and I first heard this I immediately began avoiding cracks at all costs lest I cause my mom to snap in half like a popsicle stick. I alone was now in charge of the well being of my mother’s spine–not a task to be taken lightly. Of course at that young age in never dawned on me that I had stepped on cracks prior to learning about the rhyme and mom was still upright and able to chase me and my brother down with a flyswatter lickety-split. (Please avoid the obvious pun about me being Bug etc. etc., kthx.)

Somehow I’ve carried that crack-avoidance practice along with me because I noticed this morning when I walked out onto the patio that I was actually walking around or over the seams in the cement pads. Once I sat down and thought about it I realized that I’ve always avoided cracks in the street, sidewalk, whatever. It’s like that behavior I ingrained in myself as a very young kid has stayed with me my whole life. I know there are other sayings to be heeded such as “Don’t open an umbrella inside.” or “Don’t walk under a ladder.” Those are both sure to bring bad luck according to the superstition gods. But it seems the crack idea is the only one to really stay with me.
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The Hotness and I had made plans last week to “do something” today. This was decided mostly out of necessity to avoid having to go on a day trip with some other people. After this morning’s royal treatment I was in such a good mood that I was up for anything. Early in the afternoon The Hotness gets on Streets & Trips and looks for the general directions to a semi-nearby ghost town he’d heard about called Ruby. Going to visit it sounded like a good “something to do”, so we had our plan.

Getting off I-19 and heading down Hwy 289 we started to think what a really great idea this acutally was. The day was beautiful and the natural surroundings were in rare form…Ocotillos in full bloom, Road Runners cruising along with us– everything just peachy-fuckin-keen. We get to the point where the pavement ends and the dirt begins in the National Forest and are met with a gigantic sign that says:

TRAVELING CAUTION
Please be aware that Smuggling and Illegal Immigration often takes place in this area. Use extreme caution.

All of a sudden I got really fuckin’ uneasy. It’s wicked hard to enjoy one’s surroundings when you’re doing a double-take on every fucking tree, rock, and cactus just to make sure it’s not a drug smuggler standing there waiting to mow you down with their M-16 or whatever it is that drug smugglers carry these days.

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First full day of not smoking basically complete since I’m falling asleep in my chair. The Hotness and I had our last cig yesterday evening and both of us decided it was now or never. Today was pretty trying for me…I was in mondo bitch mode most of it. Accompanying The Hotness to Phoenix was intresting to say the least. He was a little plucky too but we didn’t kill each other so I guess all’s well that ends well.

I’m so freaking tired right now and I don’t know why. I’ve been avoiding work like the plague and it’s gonna bite me in the ass. Tomorrow I’ll deal with it all–for now sleep. Night y’all.

My mom called me last night and informed me that she’s ended up getting herself roped into teaching Mexicans how to speak English at the community center where she lives. (FYI for those just joining us, my mom is an English teacher)

After about a half an hour of her telling me about the class in detail I finally cut in:

“Mom.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to teach them to cuss in English?”

“BUG! THAT’S HORRIBLE!”

“Well, seriously now mom. Think about it, what if they are driving in traffic and they cut someone off. And that person pulls up along side of them and tells them to ‘fucking watch what they are fucking doing before they fucking kill someone’. Your students won’t even know what’s being said and more importantly they won’t have the proper verbal arsenal to counter-attack with!! ”

“Well….you DO have a point. Why don’t I teach them what the words are, then say…teach them that the proper response is ‘God Bless You’.”

So, folks if you happen to get cut-off in traffic by a Mexican and you pull around to give them the what-for and they bless you–just know that my mother had something to do with it and I apologize in advance.

Now if I could just get her to teach them how to say “Fo Shizzle Muh Nizzle”….

I’ve been home since Jan. 3rd.
I have not written.
Spank me with a wet noodle.
Once my muse decides to get her fat ass off the couch and quit eating bon-bons I promise y’all will be the first to know.

Ahhh family vacation…children screaming…migrane meds being passed around and that ever pleasant scent of ass that lingers in the car from driving 15 hours straight with 3 girls, an old guy, and a baby.

That’s right folks I’m on vacation. In fact I’m on vacation in Denver, CO whose state slogan happens to be:

“Welcome To Colorful Colorado”

I’m still trying to decide if they are referring to the scenery or if it’s in regards to the part of the trip where The Hotness’s granbaby upchucked Strawberry Crepes in the car (they looked the same coming out as they did going in). The jury is still out on that particular line.

Anyway, while here I was given the opportunity to ski. As a blonde and a self admitted klutz, I was pretty sure this was not going to go well. However, after taking a few falls and getting snow in places it shouldn’t be (ever), I’ve realized that it ain’t that hard. As long as I have Icy Hot and some liquor at the end of the day I’ll totally do it again.

So, this is it for now…I’ll tell ya more once I’m back at my desk in sunny Arizona. Have a safe and happy new year y’all!

Cheers Bitches,
Bug

Usually we wash our bird Candy in the kitchen sink but the other day she got her shower in the shower! Checkit:

This is Candy all nice and dry right before the drenching

Here’s Candy and The Hotness (naughty bits removed of course) under the water

Getting the Royal Treatment Towel-Off (goofy lookin’ when wet eh?)

Other than trying to drown the bird we’re desperately trying to finish up this week as we’ll be leaving for Denver on the 27th. Back to work I go…have a great day y’all!