The Aftermath
My new reality on this earth has begun. I can’t quite explain it but I just feel as though I’m missing an appendage and I can’t quite figure out where it has gone. The funeral was awe inspiring, almost 300 people came, it turned into standing room only. It’s amazing how many lives my brother touched in such a short time on this earth. I can only hope that I can be half the person he was and elict a quarter of that kind of love and support.
So many people went above and beyond with helping out during the week of the funeral. The response from everyone was overwhelming and I can’t even find the right words to thank everyone. My faith in humanity was really restored throughout this process. In spite of all the negative on this earth there are so many good people out there that really do care. It’s heartening.
Myself and my parents are slowly working our way through all the good deeds, kind words and support and thanking everyone individually. It’s the least we can do. The response to the post I made was incredible and I appreciate everyone who left a comment or prayer. I’ll be working on replying to everyone this coming week as I can.
The Hotness has returned to Kuwait, so I’m alone again. Not really alone, but you know what I mean. There’s less than 100 days until I see him again so that will help out a lot. I have a lot to keep me busy over the next couple months so that should help the time fly.
I still have a brother, he’s just not here right now. I’m glad that where he is now he was welcomed by the many friends and family we’ve lost in the past. It makes me feel better that he’s not up there alone.
To be honest with you all the pragmatic part of me doesn’t entirely believe in heaven or hell. I’m not a person of faith per say…I don’t know if I can explain this without sounding like an asshole or anything so please don’t take offense at any of this, I’m simply trying to work through my own head space. But the hopeful part of me continues to say that there is a heaven and he is there and I will see him again. I hope that the hopeful side is right. It’s the only thing helping me deal with this. If my pragmatic self is true it would kill me to know that the last time I ever saw my brothers face was as he was being taken to be cremated.
It’s all very conflicted in my head and I don’t think it’s going to ever be resolved until I actually leave this world and find out for myself. I hope that over time the ideal of being able to see him again will completely take over, I have to convince myself of that because no matter what anyone says my logic always has the theory shattering “Well that’s nice, but…” waiting in the wings to reason the idea away. I wish I was more emotional and less logical about things. But I guess I have to work with what I’ve got.
Anyway, I’m sitting in my dad’s office down in Sierra Vista waiting for The Hotness to get online so I can have my nightly chat with him. It’s raining which is nice, kind of settling the dust, I’ll sleep good tonight. I should really get onto something else though, so many tasks to attend to and so little time to do it all. Thank yo again to everyone for everything, I don’t even have the words to really express the gratitude so just thank you all.
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absent.canadian said:
on June 29, 2008 at 5:13 am
Well said, Bug - there’s not “right” or “wrong” way to work through something like this, and whatever answers you come up with for the “big” questions you’re asking will be right for you.
All the best in the coming days, weeks and months. It won’t be easy, but you’ll get through it. It’s what your brother would have wanted.
AmyD said:
on June 29, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Sweetheart, this is not the end and I have no doubt that your brother is with you still. You can’t be as close as you two obviously were and him not want to reach out and help you however he can to deal with his loss. I believe that and I hope it somewhat comforts you even if you don’t.
You have been in my thoughts a lot lately and I am so glad you updated to let everyone know that you working through this.
Much love to you.
Momma Bug said:
on June 29, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Bug,
Well said–I, too, am feeling the loss of an important part of me.
I do understand the conflict—I understand the logical reasons behind Sebastien’s death, and I understand the spiritual reasons. Despite that, the pain is still there. Be good to yourself. Take it slow. The answer for you will be revealed.
I love you. I am here for you.
Love
Mom
WebKittyn said:
on June 30, 2008 at 9:10 am
Bug-
You are a one of a kind person who does indeed manage to touch the lives of the people you interact with. You’ve touched my life and my soul and I am grateful that I’ve come to know you.
Continue to take care of yourself. Let time work it’s mojo and the days will become less painful. I wish with all my heart there was something I could do other than repeat cliches of comfort.
I’ve started collecting from the station people to donate to your brother’s memorial fund, we’re over a hundred already. Just a (very) small gesture I can do to help out.
My number here is 845 758 9130 if you ever want to talk but if not just know you are loved and thought about.
Bunny said:
on July 8, 2008 at 10:58 pm
I’ve tried typing something a million times but find that it’s hard to say what I’m really feeling in the right words. Just know that you’re still in my thoughts and I’m sending love your way.
…and *HUGS*