April 2007

You’ve prolly had it happen to you. You’re standing in the cereal aisle trying to decide what type of fiber bran will give you the best return for your money (if yaknow what I mean) when suddenly a three foot kid whizzes by you like a bat out of hell on their new-fangled roller shoes. You know the ones..the shoes with roller wheels inside. Basically glorified roller-skates…just in shoe form. Roller Shoes.

I. FUCKING. HATE. ROLLER. SHOES.

Seriously, what moron woke up one morning and thought-

“Gee-wiz, what can I invent today that will make small children even more annoying, dangerous, and hard to catch than they already are?”

I hope that person suffocates under all the money they’ve made off this bullshit. I think there should be mandatory driving roller-ing (?) tests for all kids before they are allowed to shove their little piggies into those damn things.

We need regulations people.

And don’t get me started on the insane parents that are actually buying these. I see them in the store aimlessly wandering about, fifteen minutes after their offspring flies by. They realize I’ve been victimized and give me a pathetic “I’m really really sorry…now please kill me.” look because their little Sammy ran over my foot while screaming like a banshee hopped up on a three day coke bender tearing around the stores like it’s a bloody fucking Icecapades show (now there’s a visual for ya).

They realize they’ve created a beast beyond their control. I have no pity for them…buying those are nothing but self-inflicted punishment. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to suit up in my protective body armor for a trip to the store — I’m outta fiber bran.