My Christmas Blurse
I’ve been told a million times before that I’m just like my father. We both seem like total assholes but we’re really just big squishy teddy bears. This is true (but don’t go spreading it around now *chuckle*), and we’re both not just teddy bears but we’re also bleeding hearts to boot. If we see, hear, or even slightly suspect someone is in trouble or needs something we feel massively obligated to help them out. I literally hurt for them, a deep aching hurt that resides in my chest. I’m talking tears to my eyes hurt. The bleeding heart goes to pumping like mad.
I think Christmas is the worst time for me personally because every time I turn around I’m slapped in the face with a family who’s having a bad-time of it and could do with a little extra cash nudge to get them a decent Christmas they deserve. It hurts me to see people unable to afford presents because all their money goes for paying the heating bill. It hurts me even worse to see a family not even be able to take Christmas into consideration because they don’t even have the money for their regular bills. I’m faced with a massive self-inflicted task of “helping everyone”, because in my mind if I don’t help them then who will?
We don’t exactly live the high rolling lifestyle here; money is constantly tight as being self employed doesn’t guarantee a steady cash flow ever. But I realize overall we’re much better off then a lot of people. I feel extremely guilty about that, I also feel bad that I can’t help other folks as much as I need to. Notice I said need, not want. It’s a deep rooted need for me to provide for others. I don’t know why. There’s always a point every year where I go flat broke in the name of charity. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I will literally clean myself out doing Angel Trees, food drives, slipping anyon gift cards for groceries under the door, or just simply “forgetting $20″ on someone’s kitchen counter. And even after that there’s always another project that could sure use some attention.
It’s draining, not just emotionally but financially as well. Because I realize in my plight to help others I’ve managed to spend my electric bill money and now I need to come up with some quick cash to cover my own ass. But there’s a little something inside of me that knows it was money well spent because the looks of relief and the smiles of sheer joy are the best gifts ever.
I don’t know what started this; it really wasn’t learned directly from my father because he wasn’t around much in my formative years. As far back as I can remember I’ve been like this. It’s what I like to call my Christmas Blurse (a mix of blessing and curse).
This post really has no point at all and if you’re still reading then sorry for cutting it off like this…I just woke up with this weighing on my mind and needed to set it down and walk away from it for awhile in hopes an answer would present itself.
Just do me a favor — if only once this season — do something nice for someone in need no matter how small of an act it is.
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vern said:
on December 3, 2006 at 10:59 am
I don’t mean to sound condescending, or come off like a jerk, though I likely will but;
how can you have these feelings and share the pain those people feel and still have ever called yourself Republican?
I realize you didn’t vote for Bush, and perhaps not many of the other Federal and State/Local Republicans currently in office, but I am honestly confused. These are not the ideals of anyone (other than you, now) that I have ever known who considered themselves Republican. In fact, everyone I have ever known who shared any of these emotions or ideals were unilaterally Democrats.
Would you mind if I ask you, specifically what trait or characteristic of the Republican Party, or Republicanism do you identify with strongly enough to consider yourself a Republican?
Or is it something you learned as a child and never changed? (For better or worse is not part of the question; I don’t mean to imply that a change would be an improvement)
And yes, I realize this is a pretty personal question. I would not be at all offended if you either refused to answer or told me to eff off or both.
I’m just really taken aback here…
Jen said:
on December 3, 2006 at 11:18 am
That’s the great thing about blog posts, they don’t NEED to have a point. You can rant and rave and it’s okay, because it’s YOUR blog.
Anyway. Just because you don’t have much doesn’t mean that you can’t contribute. Drop a toy into a box for needy kids, hell, even dump some of your change into one of those red Salvation Army bucket things. It’s great that you want to help other people, but at the end of the day, you need to think of yourself, too. Don’t worry too much about it, just do what you can.
3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) said:
on December 3, 2006 at 11:32 am
That last sentence took this post exactly where it needed to go. You managed to make my heart ache and smile.
Big (((HUGS))) to you, Bug.
3T
mollie said:
on December 3, 2006 at 8:26 pm
aw girl you have such a good heart. Me and you are a like in that way. If someone is hurting, I have to help them out and I cry.
Danger said:
on December 3, 2006 at 11:30 pm
(LOL My word was Sexy)
We do something every year for someone. This year was the shoebox thing, and then someone else in the CGC has something going on there. Might do that. Project Linus is on the top of my list right now, since blankets are really needed during the winter. After we get family pics taken, I am chopping all my hair off for Locks of Love. I know that’s for vanity. But if I can help a little girl or boy cope with the fact that chemo is ravaging their body, and bring a little bit of comfort in such a horrible time, then it’s a good cause. I am constantly doing charity stuff. It’s important to me. You should hear me preach to my DH and my kids “It could always be worse– we have it so well, even if we don’t have money all of the time. We have a roof over our heads, and food on our table.” I am sure they get sick of it… but it’s true.
BTW- I am actually kinda intrigued by Vern’s comment. I would agree that having a bleeding heart really isn’t a Republican attribute. I am a Democrat (families and schools all of the way), and I would say I identify with all of what you have wrote about. My DH is a Republican, and he thinks that people should fend for themselves. Why should we help them when they never helped us? All in all, I believe in karma, and political parties aside, I totally think what you put out into the world will come back to you. And I would like to think, if I am ever in a bind, I can look for someone to help me out, since I have helped others out when they needed it as well.
Love ya sweets. Hope ya don’t go too broke this season
LBB said:
on December 4, 2006 at 2:17 am
Way ahead of you. I didn’t punch this one guy out this weekend. That was my nice thing.
rockyjay said:
on December 4, 2006 at 9:51 am
Is it empathy or sympathy? Either way, you’re way too nice, almost like Mother Theresa.
I have experienced a miracle of Chirstmas once and therefore I always do good things… so, I’m gonna do my end of your sweet request.
Amadeus said:
on December 4, 2006 at 11:36 am
I always donte around this time of year…not so much time, but money…I like to help out.
The main reason I’m responding, however, is to speak to Vern’s post…I find it hard to believe that the people you’ve encountered in your life are so one tracked and shallowly defined that a single word representing their choice of political party could govern every facet of their lives. Even someone with the most basic understanding of the political process must realize that someone can support a political party in one way, and disagree with them on another. I myself am mainly a conservative (the Canadian version of Republicans) - but the reasons for that have to do with financial management of a country’s economy. From a social policy perspective, I may well be considered liberal (or a democrat). Unless you define a political entity to be about one single platform or issue (a narrow view in itself), it would be foolish to assume that any supporter of that entity would be in agreement of with every single position.
People are complex - just because someone wants to help someone less fortunate than themselves does not preclude them from supporting some stances of the Republican party.
I would suggest that the fact the Republicans/Democrats that you know can be so neatly defined with no complexity says more about the quality of your peers or your assumptions about their views that it does about bug’s politics.
Amy said:
on December 4, 2006 at 11:48 am
My husband rides the line politically - but when we met he considered himself to be a Republican, yet it never stopped him from reaching into his own pocket ANYTIME he saw someone in trouble, no matter how little he (or we) had at the time.
This type of thing should never cross into a political arena, it’s a human thing, it’s a compassion thing, it’s about caring for someone other than yourself and reaching out to help, even if it’s only a little bit.
ANO said:
on December 4, 2006 at 6:38 pm
I try to give year round because giving all at one time is way too much for me. That’s why I hate when you get “those looks” when you pass someone asking for donations in front of a store. Just b/c I didn’t give to this person, doesn’t mean I don’t give at all.
Giving is great Bug, but don’t “give” yourself into a hole. No matter how small you help someone, it will still mean the world to them.
vern said:
on December 4, 2006 at 6:42 pm
Mozart;
reasons for that have to do with financial management of a country’s economy
That, to me, sounds nearly identical to “limited government Republicans,” who feel government should not only stay out of the bedroom, but also out of the kitchen. (No AFDC/WIC, etc)
This is overwhelmingly the single largest reason for those I have met calling themselves Republicans.
However, when you consider the ramifications of that position, they do stand in pretty stark opposition to the concept of charity.
If your conservatism is strictly limited to eliminating pork, great! I’m all for that! I think our very own Jeff Flake is an asshole, but I can’t accuse him of pork-barreling. He is fighting hard against it.
However, if your conservatism includes limiting any type of social assistance program, that would certainly draw my ire.
And the people I have met are not necessarily one-tracked or governed by the word, but they do tend to represent the worst kind of Republican; no taxes, no social services, faith-based everything…
They also tend to be the most hypocritical people in that they overwhemlingly utilize social services. Seems like the ones who most want the government to NOT provide them are the ones who are most likely to USE them.
I don’t feel that the desire to help others precludes Republican party membership. However, as I stated, it seems to me to be putting a square peg in a round hole.
And as for assumptions, you kinda sound like an ass with your last statement.
My friends and acquaintances aren’t lacking complexity or quality and are not necessarily “neatly defined” by a label, however, the ones who have the desire to help others have all been Democrats.
Why’s that so difficult to accept without needing to assert your superiority with claims of simplistic friends or defining labels?
vern said:
on December 4, 2006 at 7:19 pm
BTW:
Just wanted to add a little food for thought;
I rarely give to charities, and when I do it’s almost exclusively to cancer charities, and even then I pretty much limit to breast and/or colon cancer. (Sister and cousin died from those)
I don’t give to homeless people. Ever.
I have been homeless. Lived in Star Valley, AZ in a sleeping bag, in the fucking winter, for six months with nothing.
Never begged, never stole, never stood around with a sign.
Worked my ass off like a dog. Sometimes worked 10 hours for 10 bucks. And I’m not old so it’s not like that was good pay. (This was around 1986-87)
But I think what Bug does is fantastic. I wish more people did it. There would likely be less suffering. Probably not significantly less, but less.
Amadeus said:
on December 5, 2006 at 7:17 am
And as for assumptions, you kinda sound like an ass with your last statement.
To be fair, I don’t merely sound like an ass - I really am an ass, so kudos on your perceptive nature.
I won’t go so far as to say that my conservatism would not include limiting a social assistance program - but I would have to be convinced of a need for such a limitation. I certainly do not advocate limiting or eliminating social programs simply by virtue of being a conservative.
Perhaps I should not have disparaged your peers, although I maintain I cannot make such a statement regarding the attitudes of my own peer group - they do not fall into the neat package of helping others=liberal, not helping=conservative. As such, it seems to me that such a generalization indicates a lack of complexity, but that’s an opinion - mine. Perhaps it’s a difference in conservatives in the US and Canada, but having worked extensively in both countries, I don’t really believe that…it’s not something I’ve experienced.
Even within a single party or political entity, there are always several factions - I feel that a generalizaion about the supporters of that entity is lacking in an overall understanding of the situation (I could well be wrong). You may, if you choose to explore further, find that the stance of some conservative groups is relatively close to your own - then again, you may not.
You’re correct in stating that individual contributions have little in the way of impact on societal problems at an aggregate level - but they do have something of a positive effect.
Again, these are my opinions - they are certainly no more valid than yours, but by the same token, no less valid either.
I’ll stand by my original statement. Have a great day.
mom said:
on December 6, 2006 at 10:53 pm
..and fugly it is!
My dear, I have been after you since, oh the age of three, to not worry.
You have always wanted to make things “right” for everybody. I think I know where some of that comes from…
You do worry me sometimes…the reality is that we can’t make the world better for everyone…sometimes folks have to do it alone…such a fine line to walk…I shan’t trash ya though, for wanting to help…I, too, share that disease…hmmm…maybe this all stems from knowing want…
and how did politics creep in again? Yikes! Can’t a person do a good deed without dragging in the donkeys and elephants?
…well, that’s my rant…
sweet dreams!