Adjusting to Suburban Living
Some of you know that I’ve moved in with my shiny new boyfriend (The Hotness), our house is located in a new subdivision located in Green Valley. Now, prior to moving in with him I lived in a doublewide trailer on 4 acres in the middle of the desert.
Suffice it to say I’m used to living out in the country, things are simpler there which is good because…well…I’m not exceptionally bright to begin with so I need all the help I can get. Anyway, I’ve basically been dunked head-first into the “Suburban Lifestyle” and man, I’m on some seriously unfamiliar territory.
I thought door to door salesmen were like circa 1950-1960’s. I didn’t realize they STILL exist. For instance, the other day I was sitting at my desk on the phone in the middle of making a really great business deal. Suddenly our doorbell rings and some guy who looked like a cross between an insurance salesman and a Muslim disciple is holding a box and looking into our window! Now, my first thought being “Who the fucking fuck is that and where is my gun?” Over reaction? No, I just don’t trust anyone. Turns out the guy was trying to sell Scotch guard and while he was half mumbling his pitch I had a wire coming out of my ear that was connecting me to someone who was at that moment in my life much. more. important. So I call for The Hotness and go on my merry way while he tells this dude we-dun-want-it. At my old place that dude would have never even made it past the property line. Our dogs would have scared him off, no muss no fuss.
We also have a neighborhood Avon lady. I’ve yet to actually witness her appearances but every week or so I’ll look out the window and there’s another little catalogue I won’t ever read sitting on our mat. I think she uses magical beaming powers to deliver said catalogues with out being seen. Honestly, I understand this is probably some enterprising woman who is trying to succeed in her business. However, I simply have to cut through the bullshit and call it like I see it:
Someone I don’t know is throwing trash on my doorstep. Period.
The holidays have heightened my thoughts of “what the fuck have I gotten into” due to the fact that every house around us is already decorated for Christmas. Like balls to the walls, full on lights, completely decorated. Of course our house has nothing on it to even suggest it’s Christmas so we stick out like a sore thumb at night. We are the dark blotch in the neighborhood of twinkly-Christmas-goodness. Out in the middle of nowhere I’d buy a poinsettia stick it on the kitchen table and call it a day. No one was around to see lights so why bother right? I do have a feeling that the sideways looks from our neighbors may be due to the fact that they think we are the devil couple in carnet because we have nothing out. What the hell ever happened to the spirit of Christmas apathy people?
There are pluses to this place though, I now have DSL whereas I used to live in an area where DSL was slated to be available in 2007. That’s right 2007. And there’s a garage so when it rains the interior of my truck won’t get soaked due to the window that doesn’t want to roll all the way up! I guess it’s a toss-up. But you can be darn skippy I’m gonna put some lights up in the window because “You’ve gotta keep up with the Jones’s yaknow”.
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Sis said:
on December 5, 2005 at 11:36 am
Regarding your last sentence: No you don’t!! Practice good taste instead! Love ya!
Tara V. said:
on December 5, 2005 at 9:46 pm
OMG AVON!
Skin So Soft we buy here by the buckets in the summer…That AVON is good shit sister! Flip through the catalog while sitting on the pot…it’s a great time passer. ROFL!
Don’t over do it now with the lights and be looking all Chevy Chaselike
xxx
Jade said:
on December 6, 2005 at 8:59 am
While I’m not a keeping up with the Jone’s type, I am a beat the snot outta the Jones’ type! LOL
I’ve not gotten any of my outdoor lights up, even though I’m working on it.
I don’t get Avon catalogues, or any salesmen for that matter. A simple “No Soliciting” sign or “Rabid Dog On Premises” sign usually keeps them all away. Occasionally we’d get the random Mormon pushers at the door until one day I got sick of them. One knocked, I stripped down to my bra and panties, grabbed a beer and a cig and opened the door. When they asked me “Have you found Jesus?” I answered with “No! Did you loose him? Wanna come in and see if he’s hiding in here?” They left and never came back. I guess I got marked as a Satanist.
Bunny said:
on December 7, 2005 at 6:05 am
Ugh, my neighbors are the same way! Like 3 days after Thanksgiving everyone put up lights and crap, and then there’s my house… dark and unhappy.
I refuse to put anything up until it’s cold and my fingers will be numb and wanting to fall off while I string up lights, though. It’s just not Christmas to me if your fingers aren’t falling off cold.
Melissa said:
on December 8, 2005 at 11:42 am
Ha Ha Ha! Dar kspot, that kills me. We put a snowman wreath on the door, and some lights on two palms. VIOLA! It’s decorated, LOL
the woman across the street went full force and decked the halls, leaves, fence roof, trees, and grass blased
Gawd, I hate her! rotfl
Danger said:
on December 9, 2005 at 1:41 am
LOL yer sooooooo funny….
sooner or later you are gonna be one of those suburban wives in that cute pressed dress and coifed hair, showing up at the new neighbor’s house with a freshly baked pie in tow.
Or
NOT!
Who cares about the Joneses… okay… so yer a dark spot (LOL!!) Put up a string of lights around your door frame. At least you don’t live in a subdivision that MAKES you decorate. Girl, you wouldn’t know what to do
Welcome to Suburbia
Less Dirt, more Concrete. Less Room, More People.
DSL!!!!
That’s all I gotta say
That right there, Baby, shoulda been worth it alone LOL!! I know he’s hot and all… but DSL *shutters at the thought of dialup LOL!!* Ya gotta stick around just to surf the net faster than a snail crawl 
Love yas,
~Danger