Whoo Them Folks is Nuts

Rachel has requested that her readers take the short version of the Church of Scientology’s questions for acceptance (or something to that effect). These are 20 of the 343 questions they ask the newbies:

Have you driven anyone insane?
Yeah but no one liked that person anyway…

Have you ever killed the wrong person?
Errr, I wasn’t aware there was a “right” person to kill…much less a wrong one. So no.

Is anybody looking for you?
Not that I know of but now you fuckers got me worried…thanks.

Have you ever set a poor example?
Honey I AM a poor example.

Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
The voices are telling me to say no comment.

Are you in hiding?
*holds a pen in front of face* I am now! ;o)

Have you systematically set up mysteries?
What the fuck…I can barely tie my shoes…I can’t even spell systemaahhfuckit.

Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
Yes…wait…no…damn it’s hot in here…can I have your number?

Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
Nope I took acting in highschool to avoid having to take philosophy.

Have you ever gone crazy?
I’m still there waiting to be picked up.

Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
No, they generally come to that conclusion without my help but I hear that Mr. Cruise is doing a fine job of it for himself.

Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
Yes, once in school…I lead the revolt against the bitch who was class president…she wouldn’t share the swing at recess.

Have you ever smothered a baby?
Good god ya’ll…no. Off topic here, I wonder what answer to this question is considered wrong…*shudder*

Do you deserve to have any friends?
Yeah I do! I’m one badass muthafucker :o)

Have you ever castrated anyone?
Ex-boyfriend, he deserved it…really.

Do you deserve to be enslaved?
Not that I’m aware of…and who the hell wrote these questions?

Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Why? Are you afraid I may tear your head off and spit down your neck? If so then guess and ask ‘em again and we’ll see….*grins*

Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
Yeah but it was a failed attempt…I wound up spending $200 on what turned out to be oregano…don’t ever buy weed from a 12 year old ya’ll.

Have you ever zapped anyone?
No, my zapper somehow got lost in the mail…USPS sucks. It was a cool one too…only 4 payments of $29.95.

Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
I think one of the bodies I had stashed in my trunk had crabs…those little fuckers are hard to get out of upholstery. And I didn’t spread it…I just buried the whole bitch. Teach her to talk shit about my dogs…but ya’ll didn’t hear that from me ;o)

So, there we go…that has to be on the top 10 weird-ass things list. *shakes head* Poor Katie…

This entry was posted on Monday, June 27th, 2005 at 5:40 pm and is filed under Don't Smoke Crack. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.